On Our Own Time

in our own way.

Photo by youssef naddam on Unsplash

I reached a point at the end of January where I stopped wanting to cry.

I willed my irises to dry up and instead dove in and out of depression.

I refused to give up my pain through my tears, held onto it for dear life.

I decided I could only do this living by gripping and refusing to leave my bed.

I dammed the rivers of my eyes but still descended into their depths.

I didn’t want to feel anymore. What was the use?

I was a hypocrite with all this talk of showing up for The Good Work

And The Grief. What had I been thinking? I couldn’t handle this!

How could I expect anyone else to? I was a fraud, fraught with my

Own unwillingness to face my heart. To face death, and more death.

To face the United States. To face the outrage. The duplicity.

So, I ran away. And now, finally, I get it.

I understand why many of us prefer silence.

I understand the weight of futility.

I understand that justice is a responsibility we didn’t all sign up for.

I understand how grieving often looks like leaving.

I understand this calling to disappear, ignore, or despair.

We each get there on our own time.

I finally managed to crawl up the basement stairs, back into my body;

To care about myself, to stare into the fire, to burn.

Now, I can't stop crying. At the news, Andrea Gibson's poetry, new friends,

Music, kindness. I am suddenly a fountain of forgiveness; flooded with grief.

I won’t judge anyone anymore, because I know how tempting it is to turn

Away from the pain. How grace sounds laughable. How rage feels wasted.

But nothing is wasted. You’ve been planting seeds all along. They are growing.

Who knows where all of this is going, or how much longer we have?

What I do know is that we have ourselves and each other.

We have this living and dying cycle of which we are a part,

Our worry and hope, our delight and desire, our frustration and fury.

We’re right here, together. We don’t have all the answers. We don’t see

Every puzzle piece. But I believe in you, just as I believe in me.

We each get there on our own time.

---